I'm caring for someone
What can we do when a parent turns down help or hospice?
Photo: Matthias Zomer / Pexels
An adult who can make their own decisions has the right to say no, even to care that would help. What you can change is the offer: a smaller step, different words, and the right person asking.
What to do
- Ask what the 'no' is about: cost, losing independence, strangers in the house, or what the word hospice means to them. Each one has a different answer.
- Offer a smaller first step: a palliative care visit instead of 'hospice', a trial week of help, or one task such as meals or cleaning.
- Let someone else ask. Many parents hear a doctor, nurse or old friend more easily than their own child. You can tell the doctor your worries beforehand.
- If you believe they can no longer understand the risks and are in danger, call Adult Protective Services in their state. In an emergency, call 911.
What to say
Mom, I'm not asking you to give anything up. Would you let a nurse come once, just so we know what help is there if you ever want it?
Ask for one visit, not a decision. A first hospice or palliative care visit is for information, and hospice can be stopped at any time.
What to watch out for
This is a sensitive stepSmall details here can change the outcome, and some mistakes are hard to undo. We highly recommend a free 15-minute call with us before you decide.
Turning every visit into the same argument. If the answer stays no, look after yourself too: agree on a backup plan, and find one person nearby who will check in.
Better done together
We’re here to help
When a parent says no, love and worry can pull a family in different directions. We help you understand their rights and your options, and find a gentler way to offer help that respects who they are.
Every situation is different, and these are sensitive moments, so we look at yours with care. We often see what others miss, and we never take commissions from insurance companies: the only thing we are working for is what is right for you.
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The rule behind it
Adults are presumed able to make their own decisions, including saying no to care. Under Medicare, choosing hospice is the patient's decision, and they can stop it at any time and come back later if they still qualify. Palliative care can start at any stage of an illness, alongside treatment. HIPAA, the federal privacy law, does not stop a doctor from listening to a family member's concerns. Adult Protective Services, run by each state, looks into self-neglect, but an adult who can make their own decisions may still turn its help down.
Sources
- Medicare.gov — Hospice care coverage
- National Institute on Aging — What are palliative care and hospice care?
- HHS — HIPAA FAQ: family members' concerns
- Eldercare Locator — find Adult Protective Services and local help
Amanda Alcodia
Education, not medical, legal or insurance advice.
Useful next steps
Start with the free Kit. If your situation needs a person, the intro call is free too.